Looking Back!

One of my favortie pictures. My daddy with my boys. How cute!

Subway

Something that made me laugh really hard!

My Heart Aches

There are so many times where I sit at home alone and cry. Wishing that this would all be over with and I can have my little Liam home with his twin brother. Sometimes I don't get why we are given some challenges in life. I feel like I've done something so horrible and now God is punishing me. But then I think God doesn't work that way. I know God doesn't it just satan making me turn on God which I won't allow. But it's hard not to think that way, I mean I am only human and all I want is Liam home and this to be over with. Yes I am greatfull that I have twins and they are both alive and one is well and one isn't. You may see me laugh and smile all the time but deep in side half of those smile and laughs are fake. I'm drained emotion and physically. I sometimes feel as a mom that it's my fault Liam has this heart problem and I know it's irrational and i know it's silly but until you've walked in my shoes you have NO idea what it's like. I hate seeing him in the NICU being cuddled by these nurses when he should be at home cuddling with me or with Matt or his grandparents or uncle and aunts not some random nurse. Yes I am glad Liam is there and he has nurses and Dr's to look after him I get that, I am happy about that but 11 weeks of not seeing your son everyday and wanting him home my heart aches. I know someday Liam will be home with us it's all of matter of when. I pray everyday that God will give us strength to carry on and HE does. God has been nothing but faithful to us. Us people that have done nothing but sin and pushed God aside and only need him when things are bad. Well I've changed my attitude about that I need God is good and in bad times and I think Liam having his heart problem made me realize that.

All I think about is Liam, and how I feel so bad for Zefram and wonder if he misses him brother or realized that something that was there isn't anymore and wondering where is brother is? I don't know but me thinking that makes my heart ache more. I don't want pity or a lecture I just need prayers. Prayers for strength and for Matt (don't forget about him it's his son too, he hurting as much as me) and for his twin bro Zefram. I day dream about the day Liam is home and his heart surgery is gone and I think that is my way of avoiding this all. I usually just cry and carry on or watch an episode of "Friends" and forget about how i feel or just eat away at my pain. But tonight I needed to get it out on paper and so I have. Thus I leave you with how I feel today.

Psalm 32:1
Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.

Psalm 42:5
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 3:23-24
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.